Wednesday, May 8, 2019

You gonna eat that?

It’s a long standing joke among friends that Banner’s glossy coat and robust constitution are due to his proprietary blend of diet supplements. 

The ever-changing formula includes - in no particular order - grass, dirt, leaves, flower petals, worms, bugs, mice, ground squirrels, birds, any dead thing he can find and choice organic livestock by-products (we live on a farm, you can figure out that last one for yourself).

Banner and I frequently have the following conversation:

Me: Eat this bowl of scientifically formulated, feeding-trial proven, well-balanced, nutritious dog food made with wholesome ingredients.

Banner: Imma eat this mummified mouse. 'S cromchy.

Me: Eat this dog treat from a hermetically sealed bag I bought at the store.

Banner: Imma eat this dead worm baking in the sun on the sidewalk. ‘S extra cromchy.

Me: Eat this dog cookie I made with my own hands from fresh ingredients.

Banner: Imma eat some dirt. Oh look, it gots bugs in it!

Story of my life in pictures

 Me: Eat this bit of tasty leftover steak from my dinner at a restaurant.

Banner: Ooh! This looks four days dead! Imma eat it. Imma roll in it first.

Me: Eat this lovely miracle powder guaranteed to clean your teeth, improve brain function, muscle recovery and coat condition.

Banner: I found this under a rock. Dunno what it is. Smells funky. Imma eat it.

And so it goes.

Inspired by internet videos of dogs sampling various foods, I decided to get Banner’s commentary on a variety of things he wants to eat just because I’m eating them. Sorry. I don’t have the time or the skill to create a video. Use your imagination.

Me: Marshmallow

Banner: What nutfluffery is dis? All squish, then sticky goober.

Me: Circus peanut

Banner: Sugar nibbles. Stickin’ to my toofers. I needs dentist.

Me: Tortellini

Banner: Tasty li’l noodle doodle.

Me: Celery

Banner: Cromchy booger stick. Waste o’ cromch.

Me: Apples

Banner: Sweetie yums. More dis. Less booger sticks.

Me: Pizza crust

Banner: Bread bones! Mebbe you leaves meat on next time?

Me: Hot dog slice

Banner: Slimy salted meat nugget.

Me: Gravy on a plate

Banner: Gotta chase it wif my tongue. Now gots it on my furz. Tasty mess.

Me: Popcorn

Banner: Srsly? You has whole bowl and I gets one piece? You not funny.

Me: string cheese

Banner: The food of my peoplz. Cut bigger piece next time. Is there shortage?

Me: spaghetti noodle on a plate

Banner: Sticky worm, chasin’ it around with my snoot. More works than it’s worth.

Me: Salt and vinegar potato chip

Banner: Tastes like cat butt.  You likes dis? You weird.

Me: Chuck roast

Banner: Mmmmms. Roastie beastie! Why you waste my time with booger stick when you gots dis?

Me: Bacon

Banner: I gets religion. Needs a moment.

Me: Diet Coke

Banner: Pppfft! Fizzy poppers on my tongue.

Me: Coffee (cool)

Banner:  Yacks. Why you get so excited about dis in morning?

Me: cherry tomato

Banner: Squirty marble. Bit o’ a surprise.

Me: deli thin turkey

Banner: Meat-flavored Kleenex. Why you cut so thin? Rather have roastie beastie.

1 comment:

  1. I read this post a while back but couldn’t comment. I laughed til I cried, cuz um, yah, Loki, middle of the can imagine. He will be the death of me, at least I tell him that. A little Italian guilt never hurt a cracker before...