It’s a long standing joke among friends that Banner’s glossy coat and robust constitution are due to his proprietary blend of diet supplements.
The ever-changing formula includes - in no particular order - grass, dirt, leaves, flower petals, worms, bugs, mice, ground squirrels, birds, any dead thing he can find and choice organic livestock by-products (we live on a farm, you can figure out that last one for yourself).
Banner and I frequently have the following conversation:
Me: Eat this bowl of scientifically formulated, feeding-trial proven, well-balanced, nutritious dog food made with wholesome ingredients.
Banner: Imma eat this mummified mouse. 'S cromchy.
Me: Eat this dog treat from a hermetically sealed bag I bought at the store.
Banner: Imma eat this dead worm baking in the sun on the sidewalk. ‘S extra cromchy.
Me: Eat this dog cookie I made with my own hands from fresh ingredients.
Banner: Imma eat some dirt. Oh look, it gots bugs in it!
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Banner: Ooh! This looks four days dead! Imma eat it. Imma roll in it first.
Me: Eat this lovely miracle powder guaranteed to clean your teeth, improve brain function, muscle recovery and coat condition.
Banner: I found this under a rock. Dunno what it is. Smells funky. Imma eat it.
And so it goes.
Inspired by internet videos of dogs sampling various foods, I decided to get Banner’s commentary on a variety of things he wants to eat just because I’m eating them. Sorry. I don’t have the time or the skill to create a video. Use your imagination.
Me: Marshmallow
Banner: What nutfluffery is dis? All squish, then sticky goober.
Me: Circus peanut
Banner: Sugar nibbles. Stickin’ to my toofers. I needs dentist.
Me: Tortellini
Banner: Tasty li’l noodle doodle.
Me: Celery
Banner: Cromchy booger stick. Waste o’ cromch.
Me: Apples
Banner: Sweetie yums. More dis. Less booger sticks.
Me: Pizza crust
Banner: Bread bones! Mebbe you leaves meat on next time?
Me: Hot dog slice
Banner: Slimy salted meat nugget.
Me: Gravy on a plate
Banner: Gotta chase it wif my tongue. Now gots it on my furz. Tasty mess.
Me: Popcorn
Banner: Srsly? You has whole bowl and I gets one piece? You not funny.
Me: string cheese
Banner: The food of my peoplz. Cut bigger piece next time. Is there shortage?
Me: spaghetti noodle on a plate
Banner: Sticky worm, chasin’ it around with my snoot. More works than it’s worth.
Me: Salt and vinegar potato chip
Banner: Tastes like cat butt. You likes dis? You weird.
Me: Chuck roast
Banner: Mmmmms. Roastie beastie! Why you waste my time with booger stick when you gots dis?
Me: Bacon
Banner: I gets religion. Needs a moment.
Me: Diet Coke
Banner: Pppfft! Fizzy poppers on my tongue.
Me: Coffee (cool)
Banner: Yacks. Why you get so excited about dis in morning?
Me: cherry tomato
Banner: Squirty marble. Bit o’ a surprise.
Me: deli thin turkey
Banner: Meat-flavored Kleenex. Why you cut so thin? Rather have roastie beastie.
I read this post a while back but couldn’t comment. I laughed til I cried, cuz um, yah, Loki, middle of the night...you can imagine. He will be the death of me, at least I tell him that. A little Italian guilt never hurt a cracker before...
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