Thursday, April 11, 2019

Secrets of dog training

In today’s edition of “Ask The Expert," I will address some commonly asked dog training questions. Since no genuine expert was readily available, you get the benefit of my years of knowledge. Disclaimer: free advice is usually worth what you paid for it. But there are pics of a cute dog involved. Although I wouldn't take advice from him, either.
This is not the expert.
Does he look like he knows anything?

How can I tell when a training session is over? Someone is bleeding. Probably you.

What constitutes a successful training session? When no one ends up in the ER. Hey, it only happened once. I don’t make the same mistake twice. I make new ones.

Under what conditions should you end a training session? (Many answers here. All are correct.) A tornado warning is issued. The cows are out. The Walking Dead starts in 5 minutes. There is a skunk in front of the house.

What constitutes a successful road trip to a training seminar with dog friends? The ability to get from Indianapolis to eastern Iowa without detouring through Missouri. I swear alcohol was not involved.

What is the most important piece of equipment to take to a dog show? The one you left sitting on the grooming table. At home. Three hours away.

What constitutes a successful show weekend? You get home with your full set of articles, plus spares, three gloves, your main dumbbell, your back-up dumbbell, lucky leash, special collar and one-of-a-kind, custom embroidered chair. In other words, you didn’t walk off and leave half your crap at the show site because you have the mental capacity of a baked potato.

What should you do if you call your dog and he brings you a possum? Praise the dog and out the possum.

Would you take advice from someone with
his butt in the air like he just don't care?
What if he refuses to out the possum? Use your magic word. Mine starts with “F” and can serve as a noun, verb, adverb or adjective as needed. “Give me the f***ing possum!” is one example. There are variations on theme.

What are the best kinds of treats to use when training your dog in a new and distracting environment? The homemade ones you carefully formulated from organic, locally sourced ingredients and spent hours baking, slicing and packaging. And are sitting right where you left them on the kitchen counter.

How should you fix your dog’s training problem? Get another dog. That way, the one who didn’t just try to go into his crate when the door was still closed will seem like an absolute genius by comparison. Nope. Not naming names.

How should you decide if you should enter a particular show? Carefully read the premium list. Study the judging panel and site information. Consult your work schedule and evaluate your dog’s training status. Then forget all that. Are the words “homemade pie” printed anywhere on the premium? If so, WTH are you waiting for!

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